My mother always told me that I should be grateful I don’t have other peoples problems. Believe me, I am. But that still doesn’t help me with my problems.
I had the opportunity to work with someone today. By her being there it always makes my day, and busts my bubble. Continuously. All day long I go through a range of emotions and back. Is it worth it? I hope so, because I don’t really have a choice.
We once had the potential to be something. I fucked it up. I didn’t do anything stupid. I didn’t say anything wrong. I just kept thinking instead of doing. I kick myself everyday for that.
Don’t get me wrong, I love when she’s around. It makes me smile. On the outside. On the inside, however, I feel completely different. Usually just bums me out for the whole the day because I know I could have been happy if I didn’t have to analyze everything- if I don’t keep thinking about what I should have said or should have done at certain times. But thats the past and always looking back is what gets you into trouble.
She’s happy now. And as long as she’s happy, I’m happy.
I was at least able to give her the valentines day card I got her. A week late. But better late than never. She texted after she opened it. She liked it. I didn’t know what to say back, and I still haven’t figured it out.
Tomorrow I can go back to work and be completely happy again. She won’t be there. It’s not that I don’t want her there, because I do. I just need to be able to concentrate on everything else around me. I feel bad for thinking like that.
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Life was a lot easier when I was working insane hours. I would be so busy I just had time wake up, eat, go to work, and go to sleep. If I wanted to spend time with people I would manage to make it work. Now that everyones hours are getting cut and I’m essentially working a 9-to-5 I have more than I know what to do with, and nothign to do. I wonder if working without a social life is really the way to be.
