I’m breaking out and doing my own thing!

I’ve decided as much as I like having this blog, I never liked the idea of being tied to a particular host. So I’ve started a new blog at http://www.eboxhead.com. It will give a bit more control over my blog and not be a sub of a larger community.  Hopefully it will also help me keep  up with the blogging thing more.

I hope to see you all there, and I would love to add you all to my blogroll there as well, if you’re ok with that- please let me know!

I promise.

I just have a few different posts I’m writing that I seem to be getting stuck on. In the mean time, I’ll write a little filler here.

If you remember way back I had posted my new years resolutions and one of them was to keep blogging. I think I’m doing alright with that. Sort of. But I think one of my issues is that I’m still not finding myself open enough to keep this thing interesting.

Something I definatley need to work on. Not just here, but in real life. I always have somethign to say but I keep myself so reserved sometimes that it really does end up hurting me in the end. I need to losen up a bit (sans roller coasters. You all can keep those) and just turn off my filter. I’ve been playing with that a bit more and I’m finding myself to have a much better time- not that I wasn’t having a good time to begin with, this just adds a little extra edge.

Hopefully we’ll see this work out.

I had the opportunity to work with someone today. By her being there it always makes my day, and busts my bubble. Continuously. All day long I go through a range of emotions and back. Is it worth it? I hope so, because I don’t really have a choice.

We once had the potential to be something. I fucked it up. I didn’t do anything stupid. I didn’t say anything wrong. I just kept thinking instead of doing. I kick myself everyday for that.

Don’t get me wrong, I love when she’s around. It makes me smile. On the outside. On the inside, however, I feel completely different. Usually just bums me out for the whole the day because I know I could have been happy if I didn’t have to analyze everything- if I don’t keep thinking about what I should have said or should have done at certain times. But thats the past and always looking back is what gets you into trouble.

She’s happy now. And as long as she’s happy, I’m happy.

I was at least able to give her the valentines day card I got her. A week late. But better late than never. She texted after she opened it. She liked it. I didn’t know what to say back, and I still haven’t figured it out.

Tomorrow I can go back to work and be completely happy again. She won’t be there. It’s not that I don’t want her there, because I do. I just need to be able to concentrate on everything else around me. I feel bad for thinking like that.

—

Life was a lot easier when I was working insane hours. I would be so busy I just had time wake up, eat, go to work, and go to sleep. If I wanted to spend time with people I would manage to make it work. Now that everyones hours are getting cut and I’m essentially working a 9-to-5 I have more than I know what to do with, and nothign to do. I wonder if working without a social life is really the way to be.

Johnny Miller 2.13.79 -2.15.09

Last night I found out that someone I work with, a friend, was found dead in his bedroom. He had just turned 30 on Friday.It’s surreal.

Johnny, like myself, was a tech at Disney. He was family.

I don’t care what anyone says, no other job that I know of marks the people you work with as family as much as entertainment. We spend so much time together, many times in confined spaces. We learn things about each other that you wouldn’t find out otherwise. our lives become intimate. We are family. And this isn’t like a death in the family, it is one.

One thing I had found interesting is the use of technology in this whole thing. I had originally wanted to post something on his wall on Facebook. But I figured it would be a lost cause. When I checked his page this morning . . . in hopes of something . . . I found that other people had the same idea. It’s becoming like an everlasting memorial, right here in cyberspace.

I never really pay much attention to the Superbowl.

It’s true. I really could care less most times. I watch to be social. Usually end up going to someones house for the party and enjoy the ride that is professional American sports.

In fact, I almost think I’m bad at it. I lived in Chicago for a good chunk of my life.  Can I just say I have never been anywhere else where a city is so faithful to their sports team. Never. Ever. Period.

So two years ago when the Bears miraculously made it to the Superbowl, and all of Chicago was ecstatic and rooting their team on, I did the most logical thing I could. I put my money on the Colts. Pissed off a lot of people though.

This year I bought a square from the company my Mom works for. Ended up winning 500 bucks from it. Not bad. I’m not really into football, but this might be a nice little thing to do every now and again.

The wash basin, for the dance company, that caused me to get pulled over . . .

First off, I never in my life thought that I would caulk a tin wash basin.

Never.

Or that I’d get pulled over on my way back from buying caulk to seal the damn wash basin.

I was excited to go to the dance rehearsal today. A new piece I haven’t seen yet, Little Boxes. It’s fun- it makes me smile. My head was teaming with ideas on how to light it, which is even more exciting.

I also had the opportunity to finally sit down Eric (the artistic director of the company, not my evil other side . . . ) and talk about the next show in our season, which is 2 weeks out. Eek! There’s really nothing for me to do . . . except caulk a wash basin.

Cascades is a totally awesome piece set to Dvorak’s Serenade for the strings in E. It’s actually a very whimsical piece with vibrant costumes and interesting movements. I have no idea on how I’m going to light it on stage. I do know, however, that it requires a wash basin. That wash basin. Pictured above. That caused me to get pulled over. But I’ll get to that later.

<Shameless Plug>

Yow Dance open rehearsal this Saturday! Cheese! Wine! Dancers!

Come join us. It'll be tons of fun!
</Shameless Plug>

So on my way back from rehearsal I stopped off at Walmart to get some kind of silicone caulking something or other. I figured I would be in and out. No such luck. Do you know how many types of caulk there are? And how many different packages there are? I saw individual use caulk- looked like miniature Capri suns . . .

I finally chose one that didn’t need a caulk gun and dried clear. We’ll see how thins works out.

Closest Walmart to the attractions area and it only had 3 lanes open. And the Brazilians are in town. And a new crop of College Programmers. Brilliant.

I got in line behind 3 girls, obviously International College Program kids. One was cute. Another was just awkwardly tall. The third one reminded me of Frida Kahlo- uni-brow and all, but still has both legs. I really couldn’t figure out what language they were speaking. Sometimes it sounded French. Other times it sounded like Spanish. And yet other times it was something like German. The cute one spoke english.

On my way back home from Walmart I got pulled over. Not becuase I was driving like a jackass. Not becuase I was speeding. My tags had expired. I swear I haven’t even owned the car a year. But Florida, for some stupid reason it lapses on your birthday, not from purchase of the registration. Really? I’ve been driving around without good tags since August and this is being pointed out to me now? Seriously?

Time for a glass of wine a bed.

Socially.

Maybe.

Dear god I’m eating McDonald’s . . .

I hate fast food. All of it. Except for the fairly inexpensive iced tea or the occasional quick salad.

I stopped eating fast food about three years ago. Three years ago I found a burger sitting on top of every ones mailboxes in the green room at school that I know had been there from well before the summer. It was now March- I had spent six months doing a Professional Internship with Disney. Once I found a chair to get to the top of the mailboxes, I unwrapped the burger only to find it was still in it’s disgustingly perfect condition. A little dried out and the lettuce had wilted, but all in all almost edible. Still not digestible.

Made me sick. Sicker than I was already- felt kinda like mono and everyone tells me I was the walking dead. Wasn’t Mono because I told it it wasn’t Mono. And apparently I’m still here, so didn’t die. Tough I suppose I could be the undead . . .

At that point, I vowed never to eat fast food again. And while I’m at it, I’ll stop drinking soda too. Took me a couple months to get out of old habits. Especially the soda. God only knows what’s in that food. But I didn’t want it in my body. I felt good. Eating better gave me more energy. I slept better. The girls flocked. I saved 15% on my car insurance.

I’ve been pretty good for the past few years. Yeah, I’ll slip every once in a blue moon, but I usually cant finish what I’m eating when I think about it.

Tonight is one of those blue moons. I’m in just such a lost place right now. This just trails back to October . . . and one of the reasons for me to start this blog. It’s a story of a pretty girl and me fucking up. And honestly its haunted me every day of my life since. It rendered me useless for weeks. It’s consumed me. It’s left Jason Mraz on repeat letting me savor the feeling I had.

I wonder, though, if it really is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all . . . I don’t know. But right now I know I’m kind of happy wallowing in my depression staring at a partially eaten Quarter Pounder and fries.

First I learned that no matter how much my mom drives me nuts, I still love her. This doesn’t mean that 1500 miles is to far. I’m perfectly happy with the distance.

I also learned that stupid shit you used to pull with your friends years ago holds a special place in your heart. And you still do stupid shit. Like renting a bad Jaws / Moby Dick ripoff movie called Orca just for fun. I don’t reccomend it. Oh, and geometry was wrong. A pentagon actully looks like a big pile of mess.

I know for sure now that I want to stay in Orlando. Or at least not go back to Chicago. We’ll see how this turns out.

Edit: Found another link. Living in the Moment.